


Better Than Me

by MorganaNK



Category: Inspector Lynley - All Media Types, Inspector Lynley Mysteries (TV)
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-21
Updated: 2017-05-21
Packaged: 2018-11-03 07:13:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10962312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MorganaNK/pseuds/MorganaNK
Summary: Set after 'In the Blink of an Eye' but before 'Limbo' - Tommy bares his soul





	Better Than Me

**Author's Note:**

> Property of Elizabeth George and the BBC, no copyright infringement intended

I walked unsteadily to the kitchen counter, ignoring the dirty plates and other detritus that had accumulated over the past week, and grabbed the bottle of whiskey before stumbling back to the armchair near the window. I slumped down into it heavily, unscrewing the lid from the bottle and, with a shaking hand, poured a generous measure into the glass that sat on the small side table next to a photograph of Helen.

“Why did you do it Helen? What the hell were you thinking?”

I felt the tears coming and so took a large swig of whiskey from the glass.

“You were the psychologist. You were the one who was supposed to know how people think, how their minds work. You were irresponsible and stupid.”

I took another drink, guilt washing over me.

“Sorry, sorry. I was just as much to blame, more so in fact because I dragged you in on the case. Nina had already used the gun, I shouldn’t have taken her word for it that she had got rid of it, I should have searched her. I trusted her and you paid the price.”

Another drink.

“I did love you Helen, you were my friend for so long, and you got me through some very difficult times, but I wasn’t in love with you. I should never have married you. We weren’t in love, and we both knew that. We tried to make a friendship into something more.”

I drained the glass, filling it again before continuing.

“You and Rhys; I should have left well alone. I was jealous, he was taking your attention away from me, and you know what a spoilt brat I can be when I don’t get my own way. I treated you like property, like I owned you and you should bend to my will, and for that I apologise. How Rhys was, how he treated you, it was none of my business. I should have kept my nose out.”

I slumped forward, my elbows resting on my knees, my head in my hands.

“When you came back, I felt so confused. You’d been gone for so long that I had accepted that our marriage was over. I was even beginning to admit to myself something that I think both of us had known for a long time; the feelings I should have had for my wife, for you, I had them for someone else.

“If I had been brave, if I had been any kind of a man, well I would have told you that I had moved on, and that I wanted a divorce. But I was a coward. I felt guilty, like I owed you for everything I had put you through; Rhys, the baby, our marriage and, because of all that, I had to give us a second try.”

My mouth felt dry, so I took another healthy swig from my glass. I couldn’t recall the last time I had been sober and I didn’t want to. While the agony of losing Helen never went away, in the cold light of day it was unbearable. Alcohol took the edge off.

“You should have stayed well away from me, I never brought you anything but pain. If you had never come back you would still be alive.”

Glass in hand, I slumped back into the chair and stared into the emptiness that was now my life.

“Forgive me Helen, you deserved so much better than me.”


End file.
